Here I sit preparing myself for the day

I keep postponing the event Have been thinking for long How long would my clinging onto help me Yes I need him for as long as I’m sane But maybe it’s suffocating him I keep telling myself it’s been long I’ve tagged around Making him dread of the start of each new month When my calls would reach him For me each month brings an equal dread That perhaps finally he would ask me Why am I so bothered about his well being? It’s so hard to tell him I care As I always used to, but its loosing its charm Breaking and pulling away That’s what I think With no firm source to confirm So that for once I could leave and move away But it’s so tough even to think What would happen to me after that? I would completely loose myself I lay crying in the wee hours of the night Listening to ‘Under My Umbrella’ Wishing to be soaked deep down in the rains For once he would break his silence And the night after night, I hug myself The storm inside me, finding roads to come out The silent tears I hide from everybody Each day I think, I should go ahead with the plans But next month I need to write my papers The next to it, I need to wish him for the New Year Next I need to wish him on his birthday I need to give myself space and time But only if he would break his silence Which he has donned into Wonder why he has no questions to ask me Why he understands it all Yet refuses to even shun it It’s the distance that keeps holding on Making me feel incapable to make a difference In his smile and his life For once he said I am a dear one And he is glad we came together I wish to break free Of the thoughts that keep haunting me forever I don’t want to loose him But I want to see whether he’d come back for me Yet I don’t have the courage To go ahead and make the decision Am already lost and grief stricken I would rather pain myself more Than seeing him getting hurt I would rather bash myself Than seeing he hit by the ways of life All for the friendship I count in him All coz I cared too much All coz I restrained stray thoughts making my way And developing something new For I knew some wild turn would ruin all that we have had And nothing else would matter Is what I don't wish to feel Here I sit taken the decision Which grew along with the prose Embarking the New Year And has taken its final shape One last call of acquaintance The silence and remorse Beginning to overwhelm inside And bring a lump in the throat So strong he could understand And ask this time Only if he did understand months later When I would have let go him Which I hope, but docile wishes go unheard The last question was asked The Wish I wrote, did it mean anything Which got the answer, feelings are long dead now And I have nothing to say Its not the way I had imagined I want to heal now And I want to feel forver Coz i believe in FOREVER... Which exists in the tamed mind of ours